At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
