I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
