Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
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