I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
