You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
