people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
