Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
