yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I will pee on everything he values.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
