this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
