I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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