I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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