How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
