Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
