I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
