allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
