Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
