Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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