plz talk dirty to me
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
