i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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