Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
