I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
