I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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