The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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