Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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