I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
