Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i drank out of a bidet.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
