she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
