my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
