so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
