It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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