happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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