Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
