Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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