respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
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