everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
