I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I wish you could order shots online.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
