I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
