I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I could make wine with my vomit
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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