shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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