she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
