If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
