Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I cannot find my penis.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
