Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize