I just pynch a tree in the face
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
There r osticjed everywhere
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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