i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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