Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
