I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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