I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
