apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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