hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
