I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i now understand why vodka
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
