I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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