a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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