Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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