I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
