Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize