Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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