did you get engaged???
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
