my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
