I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
