I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize