I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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