I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Pooping to opera.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
