peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
